Star Wars Jedi: Survivor: All Hairstyles RANKED!
Hairstyles. The second most heroic thing in the galaxy, behind beards, of course. A handsome hubby like Cal Kestis needs some hecka-cool hair to go with his amazing beards and poncho. Though hairstyles are not the most groundbreaking part of the game, it added a much needed touch to make this game feel more immersive, as who sticks with the same hairstyle every day of their life (other than me)? Finding hairstyles in chests was something the world did not deserve, but we still got, and I am forever in Respawn’s debt for this so-bad-that-it’s-good idea. Now without further ado, RPG Ranked presents… Star Wars Jedi: Survivor: All Hairstyles RANKED!
14. Hawk - F Tier
This makes Captain Marvel’s horrible hair look like the chosen one of haircuts. Some people can pull off this haircut, and while Cal can pull off some obscene haircuts, he definitely can’t pull off this one. This haircut looks like an undercooked follicle muffin splattered all over this man’s buttery cream head. When you’ve got a man as fantastically fine as this ginger Jedi, giving him this haircut might almost be worse than the sequel trilogy…
13. Buzzcut - D Tier
At least this haircut was probably intentionally meant to look bad, unlike the last one. If you like this style, good for you, but to me, this just looks like the equivalent of a pre-puberto boy’s beard on Cal’s head. If you want Cal to promote a sense of militarism, uniformity, and possibly communism, sure, give him this cut. But that sounds way too much like something the Empire would want to me, not what Cal Kestis would want.
12. Center Part- C Tier
This looks like a kid who tried to dress up as both Anakin and Keanu Reeves at the same time and utterly failed at looking like either of them. This just looks like a much worse, much more try-hard version of the Windswept haircut. At least it looks like Cal was kind of trying with this hair, whereas the last two look like Cal tried about as hard to look good as Disney tried to make the sequel trilogy an actually cohesive trilogy.
11. Crew Cut - C Tier
Okay. This haircut actually kind of objectively works. But also, I just absolutely cannot with crew cuts. Every dude I’ve known with a crew cut makes it some huge deal that they have one, and they only have two personality traits: going to the gym and talking about their “stylish” Air Jordans. Besides my PTSD towards crew cuts, I guess it is fine, but this is my personal ranking after all.
10. Slicked Back - C Tier
This looks like a haircut that would be done by a shop called "Dis-Count Dooku's Barber Shop." No terrible pun intended? Anyway, this looks like Count Dooku done wrong, and slicked back red hair is not a vibe I'm loving. Maybe it's just my fear of hair gel tarnishing my fiery fleece, but I'm personally not a fan of this cut. It is still much better than the previous ones on this list, however.
9. Undercut - B Tier
Though this makes it look like Cal either got licked by a cow or got a quick cut and wash at that one Sports Clip near my house that always does my hair wrong even though all the other locations are great, it is still a nice cut. It's fun and swirly and all that jazz, it just isn't the most sick look on Cal. Makes him look a lot more cocky than he actually is. Just kind of mid in my opinion. I just feel like it is the most insignificant look on this list, I don't have much of an opinion on it, so I'm putting it in ninth on this list.
8. Shag - B Tier
Though this makes Cal look like an iffy at best assistant middle school football coach, it is anything but offensive. This magnificent mop of hair is as scrumptious as sin, but sinning isn’t really the best thing you could do, so this haircut is kinda just at the middle of the road. Besides, it is just slightly outclassed by the next haircut on this list…
7. Headband - B Tier
Upgrading from a forgettable assistant coach to looking like the most dedicated cross country dad of the century, this is quite a bit better than the last look. However, unless Cal Kestis was getting spicy with women across the galaxy and cheating on Merrin during the time jump, he shouldn’t be looking like he is a dad quite yet! It’s too much for my one brain cell Jimmy Lou Espanole to handle! And yes, my one brain cell named itself, get over it. This look is still fun, but not the best, so top of B Tier for this one!
6. Choppy Forward - A Tier
While this makes Cal look like the smokin’ hot ginga’ version of Nathan Drake, that’s by no means a bad thing. Judging that both Uncharted and Star Wars are both great and both popular, it is cool that this hairstyle came into fruition. Even though Cal looks like a try-hard Nathan Drake, at least he looks less like a try-hard Nathan Drake than Tom Holland. Unfortunately, unlike Tom Holland, he did not fly pirate ships into the sky with helicopters. That’s such a shame, I’m hoping we get some pirate ship helicopters in the inevitable third installment of the Star Wars Jedi franchise. Anyway, I digress. Overall, this hairstyle just really is a good look for Cal.
5. Scrapper - A Tier
First time’s the charm with this hairstyle. Unlike Rey’s first fight with Kylo Ren, which I would call “first time’s the darn… worst lightsaber fight in existence,” I think this was a hairstyle inspired by the Force Father, the Force Son, and the holiest of Force ghosts. This look is pretty perfect for Cal, but this cut compared to the Survivor cut is like Star Wars vs The Empire Strikes Back—the first time did it great, but the second time arguably did it better. And that is why the Survivor haircut is the next haircut on this list…
4. Survivor - A Tier
The Survivor haircut takes Cal’s Scrapper style and elevates it to a level that was even better than before, which genuinely surprised me. Goes to show that the devs knew exactly how Cal was supposed to look going into this game. While I think this style knocked it out of the park and truly does fit Cal the best of any hairstyle on this list, there are three more cuts on this list that I personally find to be better.
3. Bun - S Tier
Surprisingly, Cal is somehow the only redhead I’ve ever seen pull off a bun. At the very least, my fiery red hair could definitely not work in a man bun, I’ll just say that. This look makes Cal look like one of two things: 1) the most trendy new-age jazz bass player around, who travels cantinas across the galaxy or 2) that one super chill Starbucks manager that you’ve surely come across that never gets your name wrong and lets you have all the blue and green milk creamers you’ll ever want… free of charge! Granted, nobody would get those creamers except for sequel trilogy simps or Disneyland-goers like me who accidentally succumbed to the dark side of Disney advertisements, but that is beside the point. He actually rocks this bun like no other, and anybody who can truly rock the man bun has a manifest destiny to do so. Because the chance of a man bun actually looking good on someone is about as impossible as successfully pulling the Holdo Maneuver (or as impossible as finding somebody who likes that scene, for that matter). But while the Holdo Maneuver was some of the dumbest Star Wars we’ve ever seen, this galactic man bun is some of the greatest Star Wars ever has done, and probably will ever do in the future. Sadly, its greatness is not great enough to be any higher on this list.
2. Windswept - S Tier
Usually, I think dudes with long hair look cringe. They always rant and pontificate about their luscious locks that are longer than the director’s cut of the Rise of Skywalker, and of course, following them like the paparazzi are the even more annoying pumpkin-spice-latte basic-white-girls who are disillusioned that long hair on men is actually good. However, unlike those dudes, Cal can pull off the long hair quite well. Not as well as the newest iteration of Link in Tears of the Kingdom, who is rizzing up my girlfriend even more than I am, but still quite well. Whether you want live commentary about how coarse and rough the sand of Jedha is, to awkwardly flirt with Merrin about how she is an angel, or tell Eno Cordova that you simply cannot breathe without his loveable, wrinkly face, this Anakin hairstyle is anything but the Last-Jedi-level-bad of the guys who “don’t wanna be like other boys.” Cal can honestly rock Anakin’s hairstyle like no other, and with that, the Force is strong with this masterful and mouth-watering midochloric mop of meticulous mass.
1. Mullet - S+ Tier
Okay, at least some people other than Cal can pull off the man bun. However, I can’t think of a single person on the planet other than Cal who can pull off a mullet. I didn’t think a single of the one hundred quadrillion sentient beings in the Star Wars galaxy could pull off this monstrous mullet hairstyle, yet here Cal pulls it off in all its glory. While the mullet is usually a meme at best, Cal’s perfectly designed to rock this haircut. Making the mullet look half-decent may be Respawn’s most impressive feat in Jedi: Survivor, and with that, to me, the mullet must be in first place on this list.