Super Paper Mario: All Playable Characters RANKED!
There are four playable characters in the masterpiece that is Super Paper Mario. Each of them have their own perks that allow them to solve certain puzzles, float across the map, jump to high places, or even breathe freaking fire. However, as all of these characters are necessary to progress in the game, this article is not about puzzles or platforming. Instead, this article is about how useful they are in fights against the big baddies of the game such as Mimi, Dimentio, O' Chunks, and more. This will be completely subjective, of course, as all four characters are 100% viable to fight bosses with... as most of the heavy-lifting is done by Pixls anyway! But without further ado, RPG Ranked presents... Super Paper Mario: All Playable Characters RANKED!
4. Mario
Let's just get this out of the way... taking a screenshot of Tippi is a major pain in the arse. It's like when you have a foot cramp, but it jolts up your leg into your arse. It is like a knife stabbing into your soul, ripping out the soul, and putting it into a food processor as large as Dimentio's ego because you know for a surety that you will never get a picture without one of her wings being clipped and without her looking like a blob of a three year-old's Magniformers not attaching correctly. I took THIRTEEN pictures to try to get Tippi's wings to look squeaky clean but life didn't give me lemons. It gave me rainbow geometry death. And instead of making it into lemonade, I made it into rage and frustration and the use of the cropping tool. Ugh. If only I could get ONE good picture for this goshdarned article.
Excuse my French. That was an interesting rant. That's your man Brighton Nelson for you. Anyway, let's talk about a paperized Italian dude who boasts his red hat and the second most legit RPG mustache (come on, Cyan from Final Fantasy VI has wires that make me swoon) accompanied by a pride-flag geometry butterfly that isn't queer at all whatsoever that floats around and makes you utilize the full extent of the Wii Remote and is actually a human with a cool backstory and a huge impact on the Light Prognosticus who doesn't look as cool as Tiptron because she is lame as sin. Rant number two complete. Now let's talk about my boy, Monsieur Biggy McMoustache.
Mario is not very good in battle... sure, he is necessary for a plethora of puzzles because of his ability to flip into 3-D. But when it comes to bosses? He is the epitome of an outclassed character. I cannot think of a single fight where he is more viable than the other characters... maybe like Queen Croacus or something? Sure, there are a few fights where you are forced to use Mario, but outside of those fights, Peach and Bowser will always be far superior options. Yes, Mario can dodge stuff by flipping into 3-D... but is it really worth it? Is it even that much easier to dodge? I guess being able to flip and walk behind the boss is helpful in some fights, but I still don't think that is usually necessary! I really would never decide to use Mario when fighting an enemy unless 1) I was killing one of those enemies that flips dimensions or 2) I was in the Pit of 100 Trials trying to drop to the bottom floor to avoid an enemy attack or fight the next enemy. Overall, I think Mario just is not it when it comes to fighting, and I find him to be completely outclassed by the other characters on this list. However, since this game is one of the easiest RPGs of all time, if you like Mario, go ahead and use him. Whatever floats your boat. But I'd rather float with a pink umbrella than float in a Mario-symping boat. But you do you, my friend ;)
3. Luigi
Don't get me wrong. I am a huge Luigi fan... and as a character, I find Luigi much more fun and compelling than his bro in most of the games he makes an appearance in! When environmentalists say "Go green!" I think it's time to bring in the big guns with Luigi. He can super-jump all around the world and clean up that garbage and stop the horrifying reality that is climate change! Need to pick up some garbage from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch? Have Luigi jump on my brudda man Cyrrus the Cloud... and you have a two-man dream team. When they say Mario and Luigi: Dream Team, what they really mean is Cyrrus the Cloud and Luigi: Dream Team: Going Green! So when it comes to going green, Luigi is on top of the pack.
However, when it comes to fighting enemies and bosses? Luigi is far behind the next two characters in terms of dishing out damage and dodging attacks. However, Luigi has his uses... unlike his boring brother. There are three boss fights in particular where Luigi gives the next two characters a run for their money: Dimentio, Bonechill, and Wracktail. Okay, well Dimentio is kind of cheating since you only have Luigi for that fight... I was trying to make Luigi sound better than he is because Luigi is such a legend. Anyway. Bonechill is much easier to defeat with Luigi than using Thoreau and Peach. It is just way quicker and more efficient! Similarly, using Luigi against Wracktail is much more useful than pairing another character with Thoreau! Using Luigi's high jump is pretty useful in dodging attacks from some other bosses, but still... the next two characters are better. However, Luigi is just so much better than Mario to me. I would never choose to use Mario over Luigi, Peach, or Bowser. However, since there are times I would choose Luigi over Bowser and Peach, I find Luigi to have the edge over Mario on this list!
Now... if only we got Luigi before Chapter 6! If life would be good to me, and it gave me lemons and I was able to make it into lemonade for once, than I would be able to use Luigi to do King Croacus in a lot faster and I could move on with my day instead of fighting that son of a Guns N' Roses. Hey, at least Luigi had some really good plot moments as Mr. L... I think those moments were worth him being a late game character! Overall, Luigi is a very situational character and you get him very late in the game, but unlike Mario, he has situations where he shines over Peach and Bowser, which I feel more than justifies my ranking of Luigi in third place on this list!
2. Bowser
It's my homie Bowser! The merciless and cruel leader who can't take over the world if Count Bleck makes so there is no more world! This dude is so epic that I'd make the move from homie-sexuality into homosexuality... I would legitimately remove the socks for this fire-breathing, ironically lovable, bad-arse Koopa Troopa. He makes Grodus, the Shadow Queen, and Count Bleck himself quiver in fear due to his horrendous haircut, unformidable spikes, and his Thanos-esque butt chin. Look at his arms! They are like the opposite of Natalie Portman's jacked arms in the newest Thor movie... luckily his strength isn't in the arms, but in the esophagus. Because this guy is more fiery than Taco Bell is to your rectum... and that's saying a LOT, because Taco Bell is one of the most painful experiences around.
But the thing is... Bowser can make bosses feel the pain on a level that Taco Bell cannot achieve... because how is my five-dollar Chalupa box going to end the reign of Count Bleck himself? Well, simply put, it isn't. But Bowser can. Because Bowser does double the damage of the other three characters with his attacks! Add that to his long-range capabilities with his fire breath, and you got an ultimate battle machine that can wreck his opposition faster than Taco Bell can wreck your insides. Combine Thudley, who doubles damage, along with a Bone-in-Cut, Hot Sauce, or some other recipe that doubles your Attack, and you can deal eight times the damage of any other character! Combine this with 99 of a Catch Card, Bowser's 198 maximum attack, and the double damage bonus you get from defeating Shadoo in battle, and you can deal up to 158,400 damage! Okay, that is extremely excessive, but I just wanted to mention that because it is really cool. Big difference between Bowser being able to do 158,400 damage and the other characters, who can only do a measly 79,200 damage. That's laughable. Almost weaker than Tornado Jump in Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door.
Anyway, enough about dealing tons of damage. Let's talk about some of Bowser's weaknesses. His jumping is way worse than the other characters, so actually being able to use Thudley would have to be delegated to some sort of boss with platforms (take the fights against Count Bleck or Super Dimentio for example)! Also, his slow movement speed makes it a lot harder to dodge attacks and such. Sure, his fire breath is also insane, but the other characters can just jump and use Thudley, and boom. More damage than Bowser. However, that being said, the fact that Bowser does double the damage of the other three characters and has a long-range Cheesy Potato Griller-esque shotgun thing-a-ma-bobby-ma-jiggy-ma-doodaddy at his disposal, I find Bowser to be much better than Mario in all cases, and much better than Luigi in the majority of cases. However... there is still one character that makes the King of Koopas look as weak and bodily dysfunctional as Kammy Koopa... and that the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom.
1. Peach
In most Mario games, Peach is just the most boring and typical damsel-in-distress of all time. Heck, sometimes I even like Daisy more than Peach, and Daisy is just a blatant rip off! At least Daisy has some like interesting tomboy qualities in some of the games she is in. But nope... Peach is just a boring stereotype that can't even match up to the damsel-in-distress in the Handsome Dancer's Coincidance music video. That lady is more interesting in a good ten seconds of that video than Peach ever was in the mainline Mario games. Heck, that's essentially the same with Mario. At least Luigi gets the spotlight to have some personality in Luigi's Mansion! Unless you wanna count Super Princess Peach... but who even remembers that game? Not me until I was trying to find a way to roast Peach even more! Peach pie, anyone? One slice for you, one slice for you, and another slice for Daisy since she actually deserves some recognition for being 1% better than Peach even though she still sucks...
Alright. Speaking of sucking, Peach does not suck in this game. Or any of the other Paper Mario games, for that matter. But especially in this one. She is not a damsel-in-distress, but an independent woman! Finally, she has always deserved this. She owned Bowser with an iron tongue, a steadfast Dad foot, an evil Mom glare, and a pair that Bowser could never grow multiple times in this game. Not only Bowser though... also a geeky nerd chameleon who redefined the pervy nerd stereotype for me. Oh, my love-hate relationship with that part of the game...
What I don't have a love-hate relationship with is Peach. I just have a loving relationship with Peach. Okay, let's start that one over. Bowser has a loving relationship with Peach. Let's start that one ov—you know what, I shouldn't dig myself into a deeper hole here. Let's just say that Peach is an amazing character. Sure, she doesn't have the firepower that Bowser has (see what I did there?), but she sure has some insane defensive capabilities! Heck, Peach puts the likes of Reinhardt and Golbez to shame with her defensive capabilities... with a prim and proper pink umbrella, she can nullify all damage. It is honestly broken. She is untouchable. Not only that, but she can float around certain boss fights. And she can also actually jump, unlike Bowser. Overall, even though Bowser is the most powerful, with great power comes great responsibility... and Bowser's responsibility is in the negatives. But Peach's isn't... she might not have the power, but she has the responsibility to take an umbrella to battle with her and absolutely destroy bosses.
So overall, Peach is easily the best character in Super Paper Mario in my opinion. And don't try to fight me that Peach is not the best... or I'll unleash most ultimate move in all of history... Taco Bell's all-new onion Mexican death. Wait, that is not even new. It's been just a dollar away this whole time. Because Taco Bell is the only place you can buy gas these days for a reasonable price. Take it as you will, but I am the master of advice. And my most useful piece of advice is use Peach. Because she is the best character in Super Paper Mario.
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